10 Powerful Strategies for Dealing with Heartache
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In 2001 at the age of 21, my planet stood still. I was engulfed in a tide of darkness for a while there. My heart was paralyzed. I was in severe emotional pain and the pain was real. I would not wish that pain on anyone; the pain of a heartbreak. No matter how hard I tried to forget her, my efforts seemed futile.
I had 2 weeks to go before my final uni exams. At a time when I needed to be absolutely focused, I lost my concentration. I lost my drive, I lost my appetite. Hey, I realize that men are not supposed to talk about this kind of stuff. But between you and me, let us say that the pain of a breakup does not easily walk away. It can be an impediment for success so we shall talk about it frankly. The purpose of this blog is to inspire you to be the best you can be. That includes being free from the pain of heartache and being well equipped to handle such pain.
The pain of heartbreak is often said to be indescribable. It can lead to anxiety attacks, loss of appetite, partial or complete insomnia, anger or shock. Heart break leads to nostalgia and feelings of loneliness. It plays mind games with one’s self-esteem and could lead to depression. In some cases, heartbreak causes nausea, fatigue, feelings of emptiness and even death.
I came up with a list of 10 strategies to cope with that pain. I would love to hear your comments and extra suggestions of how to get through the pain.
1) Forgiveness – No matter what the reason for the break up, you need to let go of anger. You need to forgive yourself and forgive the person whom you broke up with.
2) Counseling – If you can afford it, or if the situation calls for it, seek professional help or find someone whom you can trust and who can help you ease the pain. Two heads are better than one.
3) Acceptance - Avoid being in denial. If it is over, it is over. Thinking that things will go back to normal when they are clearly not going to, only exacerbates the pain.
4) People – Surround yourself with positive people. Try and see the good in people, do not spend too much time alone.
5) Healing – Allow yourself time for grieving. Then focus on healing the pain. Do what works for you to mend your heart.
6) Honesty – Be honest with yourself about the pain. What caused the pain? What caused the breakup? You can write down your thoughts, and perhaps create a journal of what you did, what your partner did, what went wrong etc.
7) Immersion - Immerse yourself fully in a new subject matter. Perhaps join a club, a church or start playing a sport. Get active. Find something to distract you.
8) Learn – Get busy. Learn something new, learn a language, visit a new place, learn about yourself, fiil your mind with new stuff.
9) Time - The best medicine for heartbreak is time, time and time. Time heals all heartbreaks. Allow yourself time to moan and time to heal. As the wise teacher said, there is a time for everything. A time to meet someone and a time to break up. There is a time to moan and a time to get over it. Do not rush time or try to turn the clock of time.
10) Music and Literature – There are so many songs about heartbreaks, love and commitment. Choose your media carefully and enjoy it fully. Get a collection of inspiring songs, movies, poems, books or blogs to give you solace.
Summary
The pain of a break up is real. It can impact negatively on personal and/or professional development. It is good to learn coping strategies.
If you have suggestions of how to cope with heartbreak, please share with us. If you have songs to help ease the pain, poems or blogs please feel free to share.
Go forth and find love my friends!
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Cant even begin to explain how I am feeling right now. I’m 20. And suffering a heartbreak so much. I’ve let go of the anger, let go of everything that caused all that happened, but now I’m left with memories of her. Memories of the time we had together. It pains me. Beyond what words can ever explain. I’ve lost colour, i’ve lost my life. People say time heals, but I dont know if time ever will in my case. I have no hope.
I find myself thinking about it more ,when I try to distract myself away from it. I have a major exam coming up in two weeks and I am just-not-able-to-focus.
I know guys are(typically) not supposed to cry, but I’ve cried and cried and I’m pained. I miss her. I loved her, I love her. And as I type these words again, I’m crying all over.
Wonder why I had to fall in love. And then lose, the woman of my life.
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I just recently had a break up about a month ago. I was with my partner for 6 years. Then one day he doesn’t want to be with me any more. It really wasn’t anything new but we always got back together…but this time is different. I feel like he let me down and he disappointed me. It hurts. I pray for strength and patience. I feel like for the past month i have been waiting for him to come to my rescue now I just don’t really believe that he is ever coming back. He was my first love and I hate when ppl say that I will probably never forget him… I want to soo bad…Why would I want to remember someone tha thas caused me sooo much pain.
I wish that things could go back to normal. But im not going to force it. Im trying to see God will and plan for me. but alot of times I just find it hard to focus. hard to want to be around ppl. hard to want to move forward.
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Hello,
I ran into to this blog by accident and it could have been the best thing for me this morning because I feel like my world is falling apart. I’ve had break-ups and guys lying to me and sometimes I wonder when is it going to stop. I have my life together and despite my painful childhood I’ve stayed positive but I feel pain is taking over me this time. I can’t meet a nice honest guy. In the past year my dating life has been covered by a dark cloud. I was dating a guy who I really liked and thought he could be the one. We became really good friends and because he felt he could be honest with me he told me he had a girlfriend while he was dating me. He tells me all these things they did together and not once did he cook for me or took me somewhere where it was romantic. I still have feelings for him and it’s hard for me to walk away when he is my best friend. I pray asking God to please take the pain away and help me move on but my heart still hurts. I cry and I always have to tell him it’s because I’m having a bad day. He knows he hurt me and has apologize for it but at the end of the day my heart was broken by him and there’s nothing he can do to fix it. Thank you for your positive words because this morning I feel a little bit better.
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Daniel Ngari Reply:
February 8th, 2010 at 4:40 am
Be strong and ask for God’s help in dealing with it. Good to hear that the article helped you feel a lil better.
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I thought i had gotten over it , only for me to know that I still love this person very much and am willing to correct all my mistakes , I started seeing things and reasons why I should have stayed , there was revelations backed up with a lot of convictions , but now this person is with someone else , I tried to fight back for my love , letting go is not easy now , I think about him everyday , i see him in my dreams , in everything I do , i have tried to preoccupy myself with writing and doing my own thing , but in the midst of it all I still feel lonely , i can only depend and trust God , either to give me back my love or to give me someone else …its so tough but I know this too shall pass
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Daniel Ngari Reply:
February 8th, 2010 at 4:42 am
Funmi I hope this has come to pass that God has revealed the way ahead. It is not easy but take heart. Everything, especially pain, comes to an end.
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I have been a lurker for a few months now, and as much as i keep coming back this time the topic caught my attention. I’m one worried lady at this point in time. I don’t know if i’m going through a break up or not.
About two months ago i did something that even i cannot imagine i did, clouded by insecurity i accused my long term boyfriend of something that was so out of this world. I think i had taken for granted the fact that he is not the kind of person that gets mad. This time i was wrong he got mad and its been two months and counting and he still wont talk to me, i have tried everything and i’m starting to give up. I feel like i’m mourning something that i have not confirmed if i have lost it or not. I’m praying so hard and its working but i’m the kind of person that needs closure before i can start to heal.
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Daniel Ngari Reply:
May 14th, 2009 at 10:55 am
@ Renee – Do not give power over your life to someone who is not answering your calls. Find healing from within. As harsh as that may sound, it is the only way of easing the pain. I wish you well.
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It is so vivid………….the pain of heartache. Never contemplating suicide, I almost wish I could end everything so the pain would go away. It’s worse than anything physically broken. I’m in the ending stages of a marriage where I could stay in it, but would have to accept the fact that the only reason my spouse stays is because she feels ‘ sorry ‘ for me. One for lying and cheating, and the other for my suspect health ( Heart attack 05′ ) But after a few days of weaving thru her web of lies, I know she longs to be with the “Other” guy. I can see it in her eyes. She’s very young, and I know in my heart she had a greater love for ” Him ” than me, I was a “Father figure” who brought her from another country and figured that alone ( Me getting her out of poverty ) would translate into some degree of love. But she was young and not yet Americanized………….but learned quickly. Her dilema is/ was that she is torn between loyalty and sympathy………with true love. All this is not meant to excuse my bad behavior. I took her for granted in that she would/ should be so grateful ( I’ve also helped her family financially ) that she would be faithful in her vows, never stray and just “Know ” I loved her. And all this while even me…………….much older now realizing just how much she meant to me , but just expecting her to understand.
I guess even now, I’ll never be sure of where she is and why. All the answers are in front of me. My heart aches with the fact that I know now she manipulated me into telling her to get out before so she could be with this other guy and not have guilt.
And the final fact came today. After a little prodding, I believe some of her tears are for the other guy………and for her passion that might not happen with him. I asked her point blank if she was with me because she felt sorry for me……………and she bowed her head slightly, and said nothing. I think anyone……….from a child to a senior would know the true answer then
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Dan Gicharu Reply:
May 14th, 2009 at 12:30 am
Sorry, my heart goes out to you. Take heart & move ahead. Live courageously, men undergo everything under the sun.
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Thank you so much for your inspiring message for sure they have helped me so much especially this time of my life where am undergoing a heartbreak ;my guy broke up with me because of our differences,for sure, i never thoght we would ever part until he disclosed to me,but your inspiring messages gave me the strength to accept my loss and am trying to make each day a positive day thanks to you Dan.
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Daniel Ngari Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
@ Jacinta – Good to hear you are trying to stay positive through all this. Hope you find healing and may love come your way.
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Dear Dan,
Thank you for sharing this with us. It is real and it does happen. I love all your articles but this particular one has really touched my soul. I always thought men do not feel the way we women do but I have now learnt that maybe their pain is way deeper than ours!
Let me share my story with you. 2 years ago I met a man I loved very much he was everything to me and we had a good relationship. He was husband material and had all the good qualities any partner would desire, just one year down the line for me to find out he was married and a father of a 6 year old girl. He even introduced me to his little daughter claiming she was his niece (later for me to find out she was his biological daughter) He kept this secret from me for all that time, all the promises of marriage and bliss to me were false. I was even ready to elope with this man since my family and friends never approved of him in the first place. You can imagine the shock and pain I went through when I found out what a perfect liar he was. But what helped me get over the heart break were a few things below which I would like to share with you and the rest of the readers.
1) Prayer – I made an extra effort than the normal to be closer to God. This gave me an inner peace and I realized I healed faster. I asked God to help me forget the nightmare I went through and I forgave myself for making the wrong choice knowing I am human and I have made a mistake which has made me stronger and wiser. I prayed more and it worked for me.
2) I took a short trip – the change in air helped me a lot to clear my mind and make a plan to move on with my life from where I was left. I was in a place where there was no “memory” of my partner, a place where nobody knew me. When I saw other happier people on vacation I realized that I could be happy too with or without him and accepted that this was a dark part of my life which was over. The trip was about me and only me and my life. And in my mind I knew that when I go back home – I will be a new person.
3) I got rid of every single thing that would bring back his memory i.e teddy bears, cards, jewellary that he gifted me etc. It was a good riddens situation and he was the past.
4) I had a haircut which made me look and feel different. Believe me my ex was not happy to see this change in me as he thought I had moved on faster than he thought! Or just do something special for yourself to make you feel good, buy yourself a new perfume or shirt, go for a massage etc
The above are just a few of the things which helped me get over my break up. I guess these heartaches and break ups are just opportunity’s for us to get sharper. Dan keep up the good work and may God bless you!
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Daniel Ngari Reply:
April 8th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
@ Maria – Thank you for sharing your story. It is my sincere hope that you have gone on to find true happiness and true love. If not yet, I hope you do. You deserve better than you got.
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dave green Reply:
April 9th, 2010 at 11:14 pm
maria please understand its you that needs to be strong.
please dont let the word of another human being guide you.
for you to believe in a god you need to realise that its the word of another human being that you believe in.why cant you be strong on your own you have my pity that you believe in the word of another human being as they are manipulating you
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Daniel,
everytime i read your blogs…i sincerely am blown away. I can’t really identify with a heartbreak but i can say that heartbreaks happen even when its not a boyfie/galfriend kinda relationship. family, best friends anyone who breaks your trust can break your heart depending on where u have placed them. i love your strategies:-) quiet something. most people that men should not cry or talk about their pain but i say they should. for that is not weakness but a way to show me that this man i love or know, a friend, a lover is human too. he is touched by something coz we all knw we aint leaving in the era of “Louise and Clarke”….no one is superhuman.
the strategies are certainly powerful. keep up the good work
cheers!
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Daniel Ngari Reply:
April 8th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
@ Karen – Thank you for pointing that angle out. It is true, heartbreaks can be caused by family and friends too. The heartbreaks when trust is eroded.
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Thanks Dan..this article is well on point..i had the worst christmas ever in december 2008 breaking up with my my ex (gone out for 3yrs)..the situation was even more painful cos we were looking forward to be engaged and possibly married in the new year..the pain was terrible, couldn’t sleep, i avoided my family cos i didnt know how to tell them and as well didnt want to hear all that i told you stuff..just wanted to be left alone…well was i wrong!..loneliness only powered the pain tenfold..i knew with time i will heal but time was slow..could only let a few of my trusted friends around me..the pain was and is REAL my friends..it’s been 3 months of regret, anger for being so vulnerable..Men are not suppose to be caught out like this…i thot…really?..well i hit the gym to burn out negative thots and energy, buried myself into my work..all to make me happy and normal again..didnt work until i learnt to forgive me,her, us and move on..unfortunately in africa, where we are not allowed to talk things over(therapy)..we just wear it on our sleeves and pretend it never happened..i won’t pretend am totally free from the occasional thots and regrets..still learning to deal with it through most of what has been listed above..i’ave found solace in my work and on a higher power (God)…focusing on the positives of my being has also helped..Thanks Dan..didn’t know i’ll be writing about this..nobody said love was easy!
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Daniel Ngari Reply:
April 8th, 2009 at 12:29 am
@ Prince – Thank you for the guts to share this with us. I hope everything works out well for you and that you may find healing. I wish you well, and thank you for sharing.
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Prince Miyake Reply:
April 8th, 2009 at 12:42 am
with blogs like yours it gets simpler and simpler..thanks mate!
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Daniel you have finally owned up and become a man… I like your strategies but what about a simple one have a few beers and move on Keeo up the good work
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Daniel Ngari Reply:
April 7th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
@ Sam – The beer thingy is overrated. Maybe vodka:) hehe. But on a serious note, that is just a quick fix that hurts you in the long term. One should use the above strategies and you will emerge a better person. Check out this http://www.danielngari.com/2009/03/what-is-the-true-cost-of-alcohol/
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Joy Reply:
April 9th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
@at Dan wacha wewe Sam has a serious suggestion….
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I commend your efforts at tackling a topic which is almost unspoken taboo to men.
I have experienced the end of two relationships which were very important to me. The first one I experienced it in an environment whereby a man was not expected to crash and burn. I had to deal with it like a man as the society expected. The second one I was in an environment where I was surrounded by people (men and women) who seem to understand the underlying emotions even though I did not know how to express them.
As you said you would not wish on anyone the pain you felt, I wouldnt either. Both times it was the end of my world as I knew it. Moving on was not easy as everyone envisioned.
Having positive and supportive people helped, not blaming myself (but this came after a lot of soulsearching because lets face it I was part of the problem) and of course moving on.
A friend once told his girlfriend, if you walk away dont turn back. This overtime has saved the relationship from “false mini heartbreaks” according to the girlfriend.
Keep up the good work Daniel, you are an inspiration to me.
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Charity Reply:
April 7th, 2009 at 10:48 am
@ James – Guys bring it on. Confession time. Thanks for sharing.
@ Daniel – Nice to see you tackling a nice variety of topics.
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Daniel Ngari Reply:
April 7th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
@ James – You mention something about ‘mini heart breaks’ – Direct and indirect threats of a break up can be dangerous and reduces the quality of a relationship. If someone is going to blackmail you with threats of walking away, I say, let them walk.
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Listen to this all!!!
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I suggest the song “Imagine me” by Kirk Franklin to all who have pain and “Friends are Friends Forever” by Micheal Smith to all who need a shoulder to lean on..
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Daniel Ngari Reply:
April 7th, 2009 at 8:39 am
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Dan this touched me again.. I have no had a break up in a relationship but i have delt with so many of them trying to help.. I love the idea of time although so people feel very frustrated and think time will just kill them.. I know it hurts to breakup with someone you love.. I feel sometimes its for the better.. They say,” if you truly love someone let them go, if theuy come back they were went to be yours otherwise not’ . Over the past 5months I cannot count how many people I have come across that need inner healing.. sometimes I wish there was a tablet I could get for them.. but “Time “is the only idea plan..
Recently I was talking to a friend who felt life is meaningless cz her partners’ friend raped her… Some issues are very tender and I can only pray that she even finds it in her heart to forgive him…
I speak divine restoration to all thathave been hurt in one way or another..
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Daniel Ngari Reply:
April 7th, 2009 at 8:37 am
@ Paula – Thanks for sharing your insight. It is a good thing, and a friendly thing for you to be there for your friends in their hour of need. A tablet would be good, but unfortunately the circumstances are different in every case. Time heals, fortunately.
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paula Reply:
April 7th, 2009 at 8:40 am
@Dan.. thx for the reply.. thank you for this blog bro! it helps…
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Daniel Ngari Reply:
April 7th, 2009 at 8:41 am
@ Paula – You are welcome. Thanks for your support girl
ari lay Reply:
February 8th, 2010 at 7:34 pm
i just had a break up from a 1 and half year relationship it me so bad my body was frozen my mind was comfused and my heart was screaming for the pain to stop i wish i got my ex bak but sumthings telling me i wont i just want to speak to some1
11. AVOID A RELAPSE: move on live…live your life…getting involved with the same person five, ten or twenty years later is just going to be a replay of the whole process and you will probably break up again sooner or later.
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Daniel Ngari Reply:
April 7th, 2009 at 3:50 am
@ James – You are absolutely right on that one. I think it is best to cut your losses and move on, fully. Trying to get back with an ex is like opening up the same wounds. You will realize the core person remains in you and in them. Run my friend run. Find a new soul. We are a few billion of us. Or are we?
On the other other hand, I have heard of people who broke up for one year, early in their union, got back together, and have been happy for many years since.
But who said love was easy?
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