Emotional Blackmail and Freedom

We never think of ourselves as blackmailers or extortionists. We never think of ourselves as victims or potential victims of blackmail. But when you scratch deeper than the surface, you realize that blackmail is alive and well in many relationships. Emotional blackmail is a common form of blackmail that has serious consequences. Unfortunately, very few of us understand it. Today we dissect this silent killer.

The purpose of this blog is to inspire you to be the best you can be. We are currently looking at the emotions series, learning how to control our emotional states for success in life. Emotional blackmail steals away this control. The emotional blackmailer gains control of their victim; controlling how they feel, behave or act. To succeed in life and to have healthy relationships we must understand emotional blackmail and be free from it.

Understanding Emotional Blackmail

Emotional blackmail is another word for manipulation. Emotional blackmailers play with the feelings, fears and weaknesses of their victims. The book Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward, says Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten, either directly or indirectly, to punish us if we don’t do what they want… Our blackmailers make it nearly impossible to see how they’re manipulating us, because they lay down a thick fog that obscures their actions. We’d fight back if we could, but they ensure that we literally can’t see what is happening to us.

You may not realize it, but your friends, relative or partner could be manipulating you emotionally. It is also possible that you could be manipulating them emotionally. You may also be manipulating yourself through self sabotage by punishing yourself because of your weaknesses and fears.

Emotional blackmail in relationships leads to pain and lack of fulfillment. It creates a feeling of emptiness and resentment. Emotional blackmail reduces happiness and could lead to relationship breakups.

Blackmailers’ Favorite Emotions List

Susan Forward uses the acronym FOG to stand for fear, obligation, and guilt. These are the three tools of the blackmailer’s trade, and most of us can’t figure out how to escape them. Understanding this helps us see through the fog.

• Fear – Emotional blackmailers exploit common fears in people to get them to do their bidding. For example, an employer can manipulate employees’ fear of retrenchment in a recession economy to give them a raw deal. Couples in a relationship can manipulate each other through the fear of breakup or divorce.
• Obligation – Emotional blackmailers use obligation or duty to manipulate their victims.
• Guilt – Guilt trips is an emotional blackmailer’s old trick. If you feel guilty of taking certain actions e.g. leaving your wife at home to go to the pub with the boys, you may end up being a victim of emotional blackmail. An emotional blackmailer can cause one to feel guilty of being selfish if they do not put the blackmailer’s interests first.

Spotting an Emotional Blackmailer

It is not always easy to spot an emotional blackmailer. Sometimes they may use very subtle methods. The following are types of emotional blackmailers you might recognize (Adapted from the book, Emotional Blackmail).

• The Punisher–very direct about their demands, clearly state the consequences
• The Self-Punisher–uses threats of self harm to manipulate the resistant one through fear, obligation and guilt
• The Sufferer–the martyr who believes they’ve done everything for others and suffered because of it and don’t hesitate to remind them so they will feel sorry for them
• The Tantalizer–uses bribery, knowing they have something the other wants.

Emotional blackmailers never take time to understand others. They instead seek out to be understood. They may not even realize they are emotionally blackmailing others.

Emotional blackmailers like blaming everyone but themselves when things go wrong. They have fluctuating moods and may be emotionally unstable, resulting to threats, throwing tantrums, crying or making you feel guilty when you do not do what they want.

Emotional blackmailing is not restricted to relationships. It can be found in professional settings, in families and even churches. Some kids learn to be emotionally manipulative from a young age.

Gaining Emotional Freedom

• Understand Emotions – You must understand how emotions affect how you feel and your level of success.
• Know Emotional Blackmailers - Learn the difference between being requested to do something and being forced to do something through emotional manipulation.
• Detachment - Look at situations in different perspectives. Ask yourself the right questions. Why is she really crying? Why is he shouting? Why is he not talking to me? Understand motivations behind people’s actions and insulate yourself from emotional blackmail.
• Break the Cycle - Emotional blackmail is a cycle. It starts with someone making the demand that may or may not be unreasonable. That person uses emotional tricks to get you to do something you would not have otherwise done. They may use threats of some sort and apply pressure until you comply. If you agree to do what they want, they may do it again and again. You can break the cycle at any stage, either by walking away from that person or increasing your resistance to manipulation.

Summary

Are you an emotional blackmailer or does anyone blackmail you? Emotional blackmail leads to unhealthy relationships and should be avoided. Understanding emotional blackmailers and their tricks helps in building resistance to manipulation.

Have you ever been involved with an emotionally manipulative person? Do you know anyone who is in an emotionally abusive relationship? What tips can you share with us about emotional blackmail and how to avoid it?

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