Exposed: Loneliness in a Busy World!

Posted at April 13, 2009

Emotions Series

A few years ago I went to Bangkok on my way to Kenya from Australia.  Bangkok is one of the largest cities in the world. It has a registered population of 8 million people, but is said to have as many as 15 million people, most of whom are unregistered workers from neighboring countries. It is a heavily urbanized triangle of skyscrapers and busy people. The problem was, I did not know anyone there and most of the people I met did not speak English. Looking outside at all those people walking up and down, and not a soul that I could talk to over coffee made me feel lonely. It got me thinking; how many people are lonely yet they are surrounded by people?

Loneliness is a feeling where people experience a powerful surge of emptiness and solitude. Loneliness is more than the feeling of wanting company or wanting to do something with another person. It can be described as the absence of identification, understanding or compassion. It can be experienced anywhere; classroom, bedroom, boardroom, busy street etc.

I came to Australia right after high school in Kenya. I did not know anyone in Perth at the time and felt a powerful need to make friends to fight loneliness. Many people who move away from home feel lonely and this may manifest itself in the feelings of isolation, insecurity, anxiety, hopelessness, unworthiness, and meaninglessness. I joined churches, joined clubs, and talked to strangers to fight loneliness.

Being lonely is not the same as being alone. Being alone is by choice and can be a very enriching experience. I at times take time out to be alone to reflect and indulge myself in the pleasure of my own company. Taking time to meditate and to listen to yourself can give you insights in life that you would not get if you spend all your time surrounded by people. Many religions recommend time alone in order to connect with God or be in tune with one’s spirit.

Loneliness on the other hand is a negative emotion that can lead to depression. You can be lonely even when surrounded by people. If you think back, there was that one kid in school or your neighborhood that was always lonely; devoid of connection with others. What you probably never noticed is the loneliness of supposedly popular people. Many people put on a brave face and avoid showing the fight within.

On your journey for success, you may find yourself in a lonely position where you lack people you can identify with. Many successful executives may be surrounded by people but could be quite lonely. This type of loneliness is hard to tell and has negative consequences. People who are lonely in a busy world are likely to be unfulfilled and unhappy in the long term. They may appear to be “fine” but may be developing resentment and anger within. Lonely people are more likely to fall prey for confidence tricks. Concealed loneliness can prevent people from developing healthy relationships.

People become lonely for various reasons. Lack of meaningful friendships is a common cause of loneliness. Busy people may be too focused on what they are doing that they forget to form healthy relationships with likeminded people. Relocation or breakups can lead to loneliness as they interrupt one’s comfort zone and upset meaningful order of friendships. It may take a while for some people to cement bond with others leading to prolonged periods of loneliness.

Finding a passion or activities that involve others is a good way of fighting loneliness. Knowing yourself and attracting likeminded people is the way to go. If you love beer, find your nearest pub and some drinking buddies. If you love soccer find some people you can watch games together and talk about it. Find friends based on common interests and develop those friendships.

Sometimes loneliness may be a symptom of deep seated problems like depression and lack of trust. You must address those issues by talking to an appropriate healthcare professional.

Loneliness can also be caused by loss or grief. A person who loses a job is likely to feel lonely as is someone who loses a loved one to death. Finding a new job and making new friends may help fight loneliness in the case of a job loss. In the case of grief, time heals but the feeling of missing the person may be prolonged.

The sheer number of people that I came across in Bangkok reminded me how lonely I was. People in big cities are very likely to experience loneliness. If you are in a big city you can join groups based on your interests or meet people online. Most big cities have websites dedicated to connecting people who may be in your situation.

It is common for lonely people to feel that others have more friends. This may lead to loss of confidence and perpetuate loneliness. You need to be aware that there are others who may be sailing in the same boat as you. Making just one new friend can mean opening up a whole new world of opportunities for meeting others. Start by finding one, then two friends.

Summary

It is normal to experience loneliness even in busy cities. You may be surrounded by millions of people yet feel lonely. Loneliness is different from choosing to be alone. Loneliness means lack of identity while being alone is a choice.

Have you ever been lonely in a crowd? What tips could you share about meeting new friends for people in new surroundings? What tips could you share about meeting new partners in case of relationships breakup? I would love to hear from you about how one can be less lonely in a busy world. Your comments are most welcome.

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